Daily JOKES

I will be updating this with one joke a day Have fun and and hope you like them.


1. The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many

Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to

three of them. They called Congress and asked them to vote

on a method of determining each General's early retirement

bonus. After voting Congress decided that each man would

choose two points of their body to measure between and then

each man would be paid $10,000 per inch.



They called in the first General. He decide to have

them measure from the top of his head to the bottom of his

feet. Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720,000.



The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretched

his arms above his head, and asked them to measure from the

tips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet. After

measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960,000.



The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked

them to measure from the tip of his mohac to the bottom of

his balls. Congress decided to call in a medical officer.

The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants.

The medical officer lifted the General's mohac to make the

measurement, but instead he exclaimed, "Good God man, where

are your balls!!" With a smile the General said, "I left

them in Vietnam."

ROFL

The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field.
As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: "Sir, look up
into the sky and tell me what you see."

The CO said "I see millions of stars."

1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells
me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

ROFL Keep em coming.

Nice. I could just tell that the first one was going to have some sort of sexual innuendo, it wasn't what I expected it to be though.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his
devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an
ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the
other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one
else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring
it would be safer to have him around the house than
the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours
every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the
two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very
well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done
a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You
should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on
Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am , and upon entering the
room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked,
ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each
gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned
i t, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did
as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever
wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"


Now that's funny .... I don't care who you are!!!!

Ah, I get it! That's great!

I love that I didn't see cross dressing coming at all

ROFL

You deserve to win the LE based on this lol, seriously where do you get these?

P.S If you challenge Hassan next PE I'll get you in

lol i have a lot of jokes, i do this in every forum i join some i know and some i get from my friends and some are actually real but no real ones yet.

xD thanks widdows that means a lot but i will not i need more experience at least congress for 5 mandates and some other roles.

quality jokes khala, much better than my small selection of whity humour and bad puns.

> > The Bar Bet*
> > >> >
> > >> > A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on
> > >> the counter, and
> > >> > sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
> > >> He guesses there must
> > >> > be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches
> > >> the bartender and
> > >> > asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'
> > >> >
> > >> > 'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three
> > >> tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
> > >> >
> > >> > The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And
> > >> so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
> > >> >
> > >> > 'You must pay first....... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
> > >> >
> > >> > So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the
> > >> bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
> > >> >
> > >> > 'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:
> > >> >
> > >> > First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
> > >> in a minute or
> > >> > less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
> > >> >
> > >> > Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back
> > >> with a bad tooth. You
> > >> > have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
> > >> >
> > >> > Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who
> > >> has never had sex....
> > >> > You have to take care of that problem!'
> > >> >
> > >> > The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but
> > >> I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
> > >> >You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of
> > >> tequila, and then do all those other things...'
> > >> >
> > >> > 'Your call,' says the bartender..... 'But,
> > >> your money stays where it is.'
> > >> >
> > >> > As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he
> > >> finally says,'Where's the damn tequila?'
> > >> >
> > >> > He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as
> > >> fast as he can.
> > >> > Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't
> > >> make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
> > >> >
> > >> > Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the
> > >> pit bull
> > >> > chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear
> > >> growling, biting,
> > >> > and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!
> > >> >
> > >> > Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he
> > >> staggers back into
> > >> > the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are
> > >> scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.
> > >> >
> > >> > He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the
> > >> bad tooth?'

Awesome!

I haven't laughed so hard in ages. I am so going to tell this to my RL friends. There is definitely a moral to this story, but people will be laughing too hard to get it, but so what! It is that good.

ROFL